Fear Itself

Scott and I got in our first fight of the trip that night. We had of course snapped at each other along the way in the last 10 days, but this was the first throw-off-the-gloves, hit-below-the belt-fight. It was about my very real fear. Elle’s favorite thing to do at the guest house was to squat in the gravel parking lot collecting rocks then carry them to the cement gutter and toss them in. It was a task she took seriously and she lost herself in the inspection of each dusty pebble. One of us always accompanied her outside, and she stayed close to the door where no car would hit her, so I didn’t mind her game. But when dinnertime approached, and dusk began to gather, outside was the last place I wanted my baby playing.

Dusk is when the mosquitoes come out, the tiny, buzzing syringes of fatal malaria hunting for some unknowing victim to suck. For over a year, Scott and I had heard the warning to stay indoors at dawn and dusk over and over while researching this trip. True, we had heard varying accounts on what to expect, sometimes contradictory reports on what we would encounter and the number of people we asked or books we read had different ideas about safety and danger. But every person, every article, every doctor, every book agreed on one thing. Stay indoors at dawn and dusk. I hadn’t discussed it with Scott. I assumed he’d heard the same repeated refrain as often as I had. But that evening, when the sandy sky began to darken I saw that the warnings must have escaped him. He was standing outside having a cigarette, talking to the guard. Elle was at his feet, digging through the gravel for her next delivery. Panic struck my guts. Horrified, I rushed outside and scooped her up, leaving a confused Scott behind. He could risk his own blood, but not my little girl’s.

The same horror overcame me when he told Cody it would be OK to brush his teeth with the tap water, “NO CODY! DO NOT PUT THAT WATER IN YOUR MOUTH!” I yelled. Scott scoffed, “It’s fine as long as you don’t swallow it. I brush my teeth with it.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was he crazy? “Cody, Look at me.” I said steadily, holding his eyes with mine. “I don’t care what Scott does. You are to use the bottled water to brush your teeth. Period.” “Fine, OOOKAAAYY!” He walked out of the room exasperated by the melodrama. Elle followed him into the common living room.

“Scott.” I determinedly strode up to him as he sat fiddling with his new cell phone (We’d bought them on our way from the Embassy). “When I agreed to come here, to take my children to the other side of the globe, to a third world country, you promised you’d take care of me. Part of taking care of me is helping me feel safe here. I’m scared of malaria. I’m scared of parasites in the water. Don’t take Elle outside at prime mosquito time and don’t tell Cody it’s ok to use the water.” He rolled his eyes,” Molly, they’re fine. Don’t worry so much.” “I will worry. And I won’t apologize for worrying. And you promised to take care of me. That includes taking my worries seriously! So after only one day here, you already broke your promise!” I was angry and scared and panicked and my adrenaline was intensifying the terror. “Molly, you’re overreacting. I’ll be careful but I’m not gonna spend my time here hiding scared.” His voice was starting to rise, but worse than that was his stubborn tone. He didn’t understand my anxiety and wasn’t even going to try. At that moment, I felt I had made a huge mistake trusting this person. I felt that he was the most careless, self-centered, thoughtless little boy. I couldn’t imagine how he could take the safety of his family so lightly. “I don’t know what I was thinking coming here with you. I thought you were a man. I believed you could keep us safe. But you can’t keep us safe; you’re not even man enough to WANT to keep us safe!” That did it, and Scott didn’t control his voice this time, “YOU”VE BEEN NEGATIVE THIS WHOLE TRIP. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I DO. IT WON’T BE ENOUGH AND YOU’LL ALWAYS COMPLAIN! I glared, self-assured, sensing a check-mate, “That is so untrue that it’s laughable. You know I’ve been behind you 100% this whole trip. I’ve stayed open-minded and positive this whole trip and you know it. You’re just playing your same game, when you have no defense, you just lash out, but now you know you’re plain lying.” I entered that point when I didn’t care if the other guests heard me. I could not allow this man to endanger us with his lackadaisical behavior. “WE DON’T KNOW THIS PLACE. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN HERE. BUT EVERYONE TOLD US TO BE INDOORS AT DUSK. EVERYONE TOLD US NOT TO DRINK THE WATER. I’M NOT ASKING YOU TO STAY INSIDE SCARED. I’M TELLING YOU THAT I WILL NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULLETTE WITH MY CHILDRENS’ SAFETY! I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT’S IRRATIONAL. I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK I’M BEING NEGATIVE. I’M PROTECTING MY KIDS AND I’LL FIGHT YOU EVERY SECOND YOU AREN’T HELPING ME!” He stomped out of the room. I sat on the bed, willing myself to breathe.

Within an hour, I believe that Scott understood my fear. It was just before dinner that I saw that raw panic again, in his eyes this time. We had asked Miriam for our dinner and she walked through the door labeled, “Out of Bounds” into what was most likely the kitchen area. The only one of us who had seen it was Elle. Miriam liked Elle and loved to pick her up, coaxing her to say hello. Elle began to trust her and earlier that afternoon had followed her through the doors. I peeked in, “Is that o.k., Miriam?” “Oh yes.” She assured. So I didn’t think twice about it this evening when Miriam hoisted Elle onto her hip and headed to the kitchen with her. Scott came into the dining area then and inquired, “Where’s Elle?” “She went to help Miriam in the kitchen. Elle really likes her.” Scott smiled, “We should get a picture of that.” I was writing at the table and didn’t want to get up at the moment. “The camera’s in my backpack. Go ahead.” Scott retrieved the camera and pushed through the kitchen door. Within moments he was back. His face was pale and his eyes were wide, “She’s not in there! Noone’s in there!” I looked up from the computer screen as he rushed out the front door calling, “Elle, Elle, Elle!” I stayed where I was. I’m not sure why but chasing after Scott didn’t feel like the thing to do. Instead I sat still, waiting. I tiny bubble of worry inflated up my throat very gradually, but before it could pop, Scott returned to the dining room. Color had returned to his face. He held Elle on one side and the camera on the other. Relieved, he reported incredulously, “She took her next door to her apartment to show her to her sisters.”

While getting ready for bed, we had one more scare. This time neither Scott nor I were terrified. This time it was poor little Elle. As I mentioned, there was a common living room area located in the center of the home. When we were around the house, our bedroom door stayed open and Elle could wander into the living room with her books or to watch T.V. by herself. I was in the bedroom organizing for our final trip to Cape Coast where we could finally unpack and settle in. Scott was debating with himself about the wisest way to store the cash pile. Cody had gone to bed in a Benadryl stupor after breaking out in some kind of back rash that wrapped around his chest, and Elle wandered between the room and living room. Two young white girls from the Netherlands had just come in and we heard their banter as they settled in their room. “I’m sorry,” Scott murmured. “For what?” I always like to know if he’s apologizing for the right thing. “I’m sorry I said you were…” He was interrupted by total blackness. The electricity was out. The ceiling fan stopped, the air conditioner stopped, and every source of light was extinguished. Silence and pitch dark engulfed us in an instant. I froze, my stomach tightened, “Where’s Elle.” The one window in the room was covered with thick drapes and I couldn’t see in front of my face. No one made a sound, including Elle. “ELLE? Where are you?” Scott called. “I’m right here,” She bravely yelled. “Follow my voice, baby. Walk to my voice.” I couldn’t see whether he had her or not, but I heard a tiny whimper as she blindly inched toward her daddy. “Come on, Elle. I’m right here. Come toward my voice.” By this time Scott made it to our open door and sparked his lighter. The flame illuminated the area immediately surrounding him and Elle ran toward him. He swung her up to his chest and she immediately released her fear in a screeching cry. The lighter was off and it was black again. I stayed put on the bed, helplessly listening to Elle’s cries, “Why is the light off, Daddy?” “Why is it so dark?” “Turn the lights back on, daddy?” Soon after, the Dutch girls’ room lit up. One of the girls had a flashlight. I could now see enough to take Elle and walk to their door. “Do you mind if she stands in your room? She’s afraid of the dark.” “Of course,” one said.

The power was out for hours. We all ended up in the living room, huddled around the flashlight, sharing our reasons for voluntarily coming to this place. Charmagne and Marta would be students at University of Cape Coast for a semester. Elle fell asleep on the couch. The security guards brought in an emergency battery lamp that lasted all of 15 minutes, then Charmagne’s flashlight burned out. I used Scott’s lighter to find our extra batteries in my backpack and gave them to Charmagne. It got late enough that we gave up on power and went to bed. Without the air conditioner and fan, the air was still and hot. Scott, Elle and I squeezed into the full-sized bed. Our sticky limbs overlapped each other as we tried to sleep. I fell asleep thinking of Cody. So far, he hadn’t experienced a moment of terror as each of us had that day. But he had no idea the power was out; he’d slept through it. I just hoped he didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, enveloped in the silent blackness, disoriented and confused.